Eat. Sip. Chew. » Jesus And The Rhone Rangers Wine Event

Jesus And The Rhone Rangers Wine Event

Yum.

Some ideas should never become reality. The Rhone Ranger’s LA Wine Tasting Event was one of those ideas.

In theory, it sounded perfect. 47 Wineries from all over California (mostly Paso Robles) coming to one Santa Monica Location for 5 hours to showcase their Rhone Style Whites (Viognier, Marsanne/Roussane/Grenache Blanc) and fragrant reds (Grenache/Mourvedres/Syrahs). Tasting any and all wines was the consumer’s choice; And wines available for tasting would include some of the finest and most expensive examples from California – such as Qupe’s $100 Syrah (Bien Nacido X-Block ) and L’Aventure’s $85 Cab/Syrah/Petit Verdot beauty (2007 Estate Cuvee).

But the theory of perfection could not be more wrong. Perhaps it’s because I failed to take into account the fact that this was a PAY-TO-PLAY EVENT ($40 Regular Entry; $65 VIP entry)- my excuse being that my mind was genuinely removed from handing over 2 Jackson because my friend’s over at Outpost Wines scored me an entrance pass. Or perhaps its just that bringing Winos and Wine Aficionados under one Santa Monica roof could only mean luring the attendance of 99% crazy and 1% sane.

While there were stellar wines, which our group agreed to seek out and share among friends (list below), the larger takeaway is to go to Wine Events in Santa Monica only if you wish to see:

1. Kramer-like Wine Buyers: who pushed themselves and their calf-high, white socks up to the front of any cue only to retract into a corner while performing jolted motions of Sniff, Sip, Spit, Take Notes, Repeat.

2. Schmoozing Pourer’s: Their Mission – To compliment you thereby forgetting that their lackluster Purple Drink. “Oh, That print on your dress…it’s fantastic!” The print was nothing special. My palette was not deterred by compliments of the sort.

3. The Hipster Enology Crew: A new group of contrived plaid covered, Rock&Republic jean wearing (Wait, those jeans are not hipster…but, wait, I’m confused…) 20-something’s who asked my Outpost friends, “We’re your future wine-buyer crew. How are you going to sell your wine to us when we describe them as smelling like Trader Joe’s Dried Cherries?” Their blog tagline is, “Wine. Bring it,” with their only post having genius quotes such as, “it smells like the armpits of a Frontier man,” and “Jesse even found a rare tang of unripe blueberries on the nose.” I’m sorry – have you ever smelled an unripe blueberry? It smells like nothing. So the”MUST BUY” wine they’re promoting must not smell like anything either.

4. The Audience Majority – Your Parents + Grandparents: Tommy Bahama Loving 50+ folks who use these daytime events like 20-40 something’s use nights out at the Bar. I fully support these wine events for this crowd – but as I’m not in this demographic, it tested my acceptance as a wine-goggled outsider. People-watching became the priority. In the line of site: Drunk and teatering, ankle-tattooed ladies. Men, Red Cheeked, who turned to me (more than once) to say, “Man, my wife, over there. She’s going to make me buy a case of this one. Oh, Honey, you must try this Tables Creek Grenache!”

5. Santa Monica Jesus: The main attraction of the Rhone Ranger’s event. He floated, Not walked. His shorts – White. Underwear? I don’t think so. The Sun – always glistening on his light-caramel colored hair. Santa Monica Jesus has a girlfriend, who wore shades for the entirity of the event. He’d go over to visit her – she mostly perched on the couch – and during his visitations he would open his shirt (more), becken her inside, where she would then softly kiss his chest. Santa Monica Jesus – You are a thing of beauty.

Sip, Sip, Socks.

The highly respected Wine Maker and Qupe Owner, Bob Lidquist, graced the Rhone Rangers Tasting Event.

Two Flip Flops for the price of one. Free of charge: Green pants, flowing red locks, Sideburns, Versace glasses.

One Word: Shoes.

Jay Kell from the Dry Creek (contracting) Gem – Verge Cellars.

Tommy Bahama Loves California Wine.

Santa Monica Jesus.

Strangely, it should be noted that the Sunday was well spent. I was drunk. I tasted some good wines. I witnessed stunning examples of humanity. And it was free. Another experience to cram into the memory bank and laugh about when I’m 70…or…right now.

—WINES TO SEEK OUT—

FROM SANTA YNEZ

WINERY: Qupe (Their reds on a whole are difficult to go wrong with)